How To Stop Shoulding On Yourself

Have you spent most of this year condemning where you are (while simultaneously feeling like you “should” be doing more)?

It’s okay. I’ve been there. In fact, I spent most of my 20’s + early 30’s in “never enough mode.”

Yep. No matter what I was doing, (even when I shooting 26 commercials a year as a campaign spokesperson, or shooting great guest-star roles on TV), it was still never enough.

And when I wasn’t working, that “never enough” noise got even louder.  Like screaming in my ear, loud.

Maybe you can relate? Maybe you’re “shoulding” on yourself right now?

It sounds kind of like this:

I should be further along by now.
I should have booked a pilot by now.
I should have been a series regular by now.
I should have been in major feature films by now.
I should have a boyfriend/girlfriend by now.
I should be married by now.
I should have had kids by now.
And on, and on.

As I look back, I realize how much time I actually wasted “shoulding” all over myself.

Those “should” statements always come from a place of fear, and are always driven by the ego-mind.

The ego loves making you feel like what you are doing is never enough. And these days, add a few scrolls through social media to the mix, and you might just be in full meltdown mode.

And guess what?  It never ends, unless you take control of your inner life + create a new daily practice that empowers you.

What happens when you are in “never enough mode,” is you are training your brain to look for what is missing.

You may book a pilot, but it won’t be on the right network or the right genre.
You may become a series regular, but it won’t be the right show, or the right cast, or the right role.
You may have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but eventually, you’ll wish they were different.
You may get married, and find out you wanted a wedding more than a mate.
And on and on.

The years will roll on, and you’ll go from thing to thing or relationship to relationship, noticing how it isn’t quite working out for you.

When all along, it’s been working out so beautifully, but you’ve missed so many moments along the way.

After 20 years of ups and downs, and highs and lows in this business, I will tell you that If you look for what is missing in your life, your career, and your relationships, you will always find it.  Always.

And some people are addicted to that way of thinking, consciously or unconsciously. I know I was.

So, are you willing to do things differently and stop suffering? Yes, please.

Here’s How To Stop “Shoulding” On Yourself (In 2 Simple Steps):

To elevate anything in you life and find true happiness and joy (and I’m all for you booking pilots, series regular roles and having great relationships) you must first return to love.

Returning to love all begins with noticing where you are focusing your attention and how you speak to yourself.  This takes mindfulness, tuning out the outside world and becoming present within yourself.

Here’s a simple 2-step practice you can do anytime your frustration, doubt, fear or worry arises.

  1. Place your hand on your heart and take 3 deep breaths and affirm:
     I give thanks for my awareness. I give thanks for my emotions.  I give thanks for this present moment.  This helps to ground you in this moment and not shame yourself for how you feel.  This first step is vital to making a shift.  Continue to breath and affirm.
  2. Use the acronym C.A.L.L. to “answer the call” of your heart and affirm:
    As I continue breath deeply, and honor however I am feeling in this moment, I practice treating myself with
    Love and more

Continue this practice daily and you’ll find yourself “reacting” and “shoulding” on yourself less and consciously loving yourself more.

When you master the conscious discipline of speaking to yourself with love, you’ll increase the flow of positive, joyful loving energy in your inner world.

You will begin to see yourself, your life, your career, your relationships and your outer world, through the lens of love. (Even during the quiet times.)

In time, you will find that instead of noticing what is missing, you’ll begin to notice what is working in every area of your life, and the joy in those areas will expand.

WARNING: Your ego won’t like any of this. Your ego loves to compare and despair. So this inner work requires awareness, focus, diligence + daily practice.

Begin today, and every time your inner critic wants to notice what is missing or find fault, see if you can get present, answer the CALL and return to love, over and over again.

Here’s to a week of returning to love.

Leave a comment below, and tell me what you are loving about yourself and your life right now.

Love + Gratitude,

P.S.  Want more guidance?  Download the free guided meditation “Easing Anxiety + Improving Well-Being”
This will help you quiet the critical mind, tune out the noise and return to love in under 15 minutes.

Want monthly masterclasses, mindset tools and mentoring to help you stay on track and create real momentum, join me in The Spotlight Club here.

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4 thoughts on “How To Stop Shoulding On Yourself”

  1. Thank you for this. I love how I’m still able to pay for my Invisalign braces and my Hot 8 Yoga membership. I also love that I was able to cut back on my sugar intake for a little over a week and I’m already seeing the results.

    1. Way to go Larvell! That sounds like a lot of amazing ways to take good care of yourself and your health. Namaste! – Wendy

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